With it being the festive season, I have come to the realisation
that there is but one topic I could write about: being alone. I don’t just mean
at Christmas, and I don’t just mean the type of alone where you are isolated
and on your own. No, this kind of loneliness is much more painful. Some people
are at their happiest when they are alone. I, however, am quite dangerous and
even self-destructive on my own. Especially when I’m in a group of people
having a “good time”. That pitiful cliché ‘feeling alone in a crowd full of
people’ is sadly true for many people - myself included.
From the eyes of an onlooker, my life appears pretty good. I’m
doing well in school; family life is worry-free; I’m in a relationship; I have
friends. So why does this emptiness gnaw at my insides vigorously? I have no
reason to feel this way, yet my heart is being dragged through a hurricane of
emotions as I write this. A perfect day overshadowed by the torment of the
mind. Perhaps paranoia has found a weakness in my persona; a small crack
allowing room for major destruction.
How can I be fixed when, in fact, nothing is wrong? No triggers
to be traced, no mistreatment to be found which may have brought about this
feeling of complete isolation. It really is just me this time. Have I always
been this way? Is this merely a build-up of emotions over a long period of
time, leading inexorably to this collapse of stability and certainty? I am far
from alone. I am surrounded by amazing people whom I am ever so grateful for,
but even those that bring the greatest joy to me cannot comfort or reason for this
pain I am going through. A pain of not only the mind, but the body also. Constant
red, raw eyes, headaches and chest pain accompany the loneliness. A slight
paradox there, it would appear.
It would be difficult for anyone to understand the frame of
mind I am currently in, so therefore I have decided to express my emotions on
paper rather than burden anyone with my inner issues. Apart from one or two I feel
may be able to begin to console me. Unlikely though, considering how embroiled I
have become in these emotions. My mind has succumbed to my heart’s cries, no –
screams. These screams surfaced silently a few hours ago, bringing a tsunami of
tears along with them, presumably just for good measures. Do I know why this
happened? Yes. Why did it happen? Well…
If I told you I had no friends I would be lying. I have many
friends. They mean a lot to me. How close they are to me, however, is a whole
other ball game. In the past few years I have gone through so many groups of
friends it’s ridiculous and quite frankly, it’s pathetic on my behalf. I see
people that have kept the same friends they’ve had since primary school and I wonder
where I went so terribly wrong. I used to have certain, solid best friends. Nowadays
I still have friends, but no-one I would consider a real best friend. My old
best friend has new social interests that I am yet to fathom, so we have
inevitably gone our separate ways. Is it with age that we lose our bonds with
people? No, once again I think this is just me.
I am not a recluse, I am innocent. This title is not one I have
simply thought up of my own accord, I have been described by another as
innocent. I seek happiness and enjoyment from ‘innocent’ things, such as going
to the cinema or spending the day at a friend’s. I have no interest in spending
my nights inebriated on a pavement down an alleyway. Or, as my age has now
apparently permitted, in a nightclub surrounded by men and women twice the size
(and age) of me. Because of my “boring” nature, I have found myself beginning
to become a social outcast among my peers. Not because I spend my weekends
behind closed doors though; if you’re looking for me during the weekend, town
is your best bet. More so due to my liver being clear of any alcohol.
Has this sensibility brought about my own mental downfall
and this overpowering isolation? Maybe it has, but either way I am in a
lose-lose situation. I stay sober – I spend my nights alone. I go out and
consume alcohol – I publically announce how alone I feel. Then again I am very
publically posting a blog about it right now. Perhaps tonight I am simply drunk
on emotions and perhaps tomorrow I will have sobered up, left only with a
pounding headache from the night before.
No comments:
Post a Comment